#PeaceAndLove: The Second Phase of My Psychoses

Introduction

I was working as an assistant professor at the working group on Philanthropy at the Vrije Universiteit in Amsterdam, active in foreign politics, and advisor for an endowment on microcredits, when I got suspicious in 2005. This lead to forced hospitalization for 6 months in 2009, a short stay in solitary and the diagnosis “schizophrenia.” Moreover, my husband divorced from me, I hardly saw my son, I quit my job and felt lonely. As a result of this, I suffered from depression. I got out of bed very late, sometimes I woke up in the afternoon. In addition, I had to throw up nearly every day when I finally woke up. In the previous period in which I suffered from a psychosis, I could not be reached by family or the medical staff and was completely locked up in myself. I elaborate upon this first period of (forced) hospitalization in 2009 in a previous article “In the garden of Eden: the content of my psychoses” for Schizophrenia Bulletin.

In this article I elaborate upon the (forced) hospitalization for 4 months and a short stay in solitary that followed in October 6, 2013 till the beginning of February 2014. This is what I call the second period of my psychoses. In this period, my family gained more insight in how to reach me during my psychosis and how to arrange hospitalization for me. I used Peace and Love as a hashtag on my Twitter account and made photos of flowers and animals (eg, a swan and a snail) in my environment. I felt even more in contact to God and I actually visited the Roman Catholic Church I was already attracted to in 2009. Before my psychoses, before 2005, I was not practicing religion.

The psychosis developed. I did not only “talk” via telepathy to others, but I assumed that I was Maria. During my forced hospitalization, I licked the toilet seat. It was wet of the shower, and I wanted to demonstrate that I realized that water is so important for the people from Mars. Nevertheless, as soon as I took the appropriate medication, the psychosis vanished. My diagnosis was changed into a diagnosis that not only expressed my vulnerability for psychoses but for mania as well.

How My Attitude in the Field of Foreign Policy Changed Due to My Psychoses

Before my psychoses started, I could be considered as a social democrat belonging to the right wing when it comes to foreign policy. The use of the army can be justified in order to protect people. When I got ill in 2009, I had “experienced” 2 bombardments of my house myself. In addition, I had the feeling in 2009 that I talked to God and that I should devote myself to peace. This gradually changed my attitude in the field of foreign policy.

Before I got hospitalized in 2013 the media reported a lot about the war in Syria. There was a photo of a wounded man with his wounded son on his knee. They were both covered in dust. Tears were running down my face. I felt mainly sad because of this photo, of course. On the other hand I noticed that finally I was able to cry again. This did not happen for a long time since I took anti-psychotics. I decided to do what I could and wrote a long letter to president Obama elaborating on 3 conflicts in the Middle East. The title of my letter was called “An urgent call for peace in Syria.” The letter was supported by Women for Peace and by an associate professor in the field of International Relations. The latter mentioned that my idea, to ask Iran to play a constructive role and mediate, was also put forward by Stephen M. Walt. He is a well-known American professor in the field of International Relations.

I also found it relevant what Edward Snowden had revealed, namely that the NSA overhears people. I tweeted that an advisory board of the NSA should be installed in which Edward Snowden would be able to take part. Unfortunately the ideas that I was spied upon myself by the secret service started reoccurring again. My family tried to persuade me to resume taking my medicines. I rejected it because I finally felt my emotions again, got much more energy, could do sports again and started to lose the 40 pounds I gained.

How My Sister and Her Husband Persuaded Me to Get Mental Health Care

My sister called the mental health care team of my hospital. A nurse and a physician in training came to my home. The latter saw that I was terrified. Because she understood me, I mentioned that I was very frightened and that I could not talk. She asked me: “Why do you think that you may not talk? I answered: ‘I may not because of the secret service’ She continued to ask: “Why do you think that you may not talk from the secret service?”. With being kind, open and asking questions like these, she nearly persuaded me to talk. However, I was too far gone in my psychosis already.

My sister realized that I needed to go to the hospital urgently. She phoned a family member of ours who had also suffered from psychoses a long time ago. He recommended to her to show an interest in the ideas in my head. I felt that the secret service wanted to tell me to go to the hospital. So I was open for it. The husband of my sister asked me to explain about how the secret service works. He did not deny that he was working for the secret service, as I claimed.

Contrary to my psychosis in 2009, I did not feel on my own with the horrors in my head. I felt that I could talk with the husband of my sister a little bit about it. We were standing in front of a bike store and I explained the meanings of the different colors. “Oh, ok,” he mentioned.

We drove to the hospital. I remember that I wanted to see the girl who prayed out on the patio when I was in forced hospitalization in 2009. When we were walking close to the hospital I ran away for 5 minutes. My sister and her husband accompanied me and still showed they cared about me and continued to show interest without judging me. They simply asked “What were you doing?”

Locked up in the Isolation Room

My sister and I were walking in the garden in the patio of the hospital. She asked me how I developed my ideas. I said that they came partly from the news. As soon as I mentioned that Hitler was in the news and that it felt as if he asked for forgiveness, a woman came rushing out of a door. According to me it was a trap of Hitler and that the woman wanted to take things over. I felt that I needed to control her and be literally on the same level as she was. I sprinted down the stairs. She shouted me: “You are Laura.” At that time it felt as if she wanted to grab my heart with her mental powers. It felt as if my heart was lifted in my chest. I had the idea that the “Laura” she meant was an evil person and that she wanted to exchange bodies with me. I looked at her fiercely indicating that she could not do such a thing. Before I knew what happened I screamed “Go!”. They send her to her room, which was on the first floor. I wanted to be literally higher than her so I climbed on a table. I was standing there for a long time before I got an injection and was locked up in the isolation room. The church bells of the Vitus Church sounded, and I heard the sound of a mosque in my head as well.

When I entered solitary, I had the idea that I had to fight mentally against very strong evil powers. Christ stood by my side and I thought of “Love” to maintain the good spirits. There was a quote by the singer Madonna I repeated over and over: “We are all on this ship together.” In the beginning, the evil spirits were present so overwhelmingly that I could not do anything except for laying still on my back in the bed. After a while, I was able to put my toe on the ground and sit on the bed. However, after some time the evil spirits were stronger again and I had to lay on my back again. This continued the whole night. I was very disoriented because I did not have a watch and because I stayed in an isolation room. I fought the evil spirits all the time by sending love. I felt paralyzed and was too exhausted to talk.

There was a man in the isolation room next to mine. I thought he wanted to make the earth vanish. He was let outside in the open air in his closed area. I was afraid that he had used his evil powers to poison the drinking water. In order to save humanity I thought that there was only one solution: namely to drink my urine, what I did. The second time I did it, a nurse saw it happening and told me that I should not do that. As the hours passed by another nurse entered the isolation room. He took away the beanbag. It felt as if he took away my buoy, but I was too weak and too confused to say anything about it.

In the morning the man and I were let out of the isolation rooms. I shook his hand, I felt like we had a very, very intense fight. He looked exhausted too and I thought he said: “I did not succeed. The earth does still exist.”

Staying in Forced Hospitalization

The nurses in forced hospitalization were sometimes kind, but I felt that most of the time they were working in their closed office. I felt a lot of times very lonely. When I wanted to talk to God I always went to the closed patio, and I could see the Vitus Church from there. There grew a beautiful wild red rose. It is the symbol of love and it reminded me of God. In addition, it is the symbol of my political party.

The atmosphere in forced hospitalization was quite hostile sometimes. I saw how an angry young tall man threw a nurse on the sofa. I was shocked about it. Another fellow patient shouted to me: “I do not want peace, I want war.” He was angry and he wanted to make trouble about it. A nurse tried to calm him down. I said: “Let’s do some fencing to settle this.” We played as if we were fencing and I won. Days later I saw him again. He said to me: “I talked to the devil and told him there will be peace for a million years.” We enjoyed it. I also experienced kindness while in forced hospitalization. Another fellow patient, a lady, was very friendly. She was always busy with flowers and plants. She made a crisp for me with a leaf of a rose flower in it. I put it up on my desk in my room.

There was a television in the living room of the hospital. I saw famous people who had passed away on the TV and listened to their music. During these moments, I felt intense sorrow and love. I had the feeling that they wanted me to send a love message to their loved ones, which I did, using Twitter. I wrote tweets to people like “Your mom wants you to know that she loves you. Kisses from heaven.”

Despite the fact that I also felt ill, I still did not want to take medicines. I was convinced that I would get better and I did not want to suffer from the side effects anymore. I was happy that I finally lost the 40 pounds I gained while taking medication. However, because I was so exhausted, hardly slept and ate, I started to get below my normal weight.

One night I thought that I had to stand up against the devil. I did not sleep and stood still in my room during the whole night. I thought about love and peace and concentrated on it in order to “send” love and peace via my thoughts to the outside world. When I saw the first rays of sunlight peeping through the window, I realized that the challenge was over. However, Ramona, the representative of Mars, was angry with me since I had conquered the devil. The devil was an energy supplier to Mars. So now I thought Ramona wanted to kill me. I thought she entered my body, and she was very strong. I thought my son and Christ tried to protect me. I also had the feeling that a Dutch psychiatrist tried to protect me by also entering my body. I tried to break the Ramona’s spell via various ways such as going to the closed patio and making a circle with my feet and jumping out of the circle, and by going to the toilet so that the spirits would leave my body. I felt very helpless, as it seemed as if nothing could break the spell. I could not talk about this with anyone. The psychiatrist just saw me getting thinner and thinner and insisted on taking antipsychotics. When I received forced medication, I improved.

After this hospitalization I went to see a spiritual healer in 2015. He said that it was no wonder that I felt ill, because “spirits” had used my body as a channel. I found this remarkable because I had not told him or anyone that I had felt like Ramona, Christ, and people had entered my body. I will try to describe how a “spirit in your body” feels. It is a bit like drinking water that is too hot or too cold. You feel it go down via your esophagus. It may not be a pleasant feeling, but in the case of water, at least you know what it is and where it will go. “Spirits” go much faster than water and can go through all kind of directions in your body. It made me feel very scared, because I felt that they did not belong to me, often I did not know what or whom it was (In 2014 I had the idea that the spirits where “persons” like the representative of Mars, Christ and a psychiatrist. In 2015 I had the feeling of spirits, but I did not know who they were.), and I could not control it.

Welcome in My Home: Visiting The Vitus Church

In 2009 I felt that I talked to God, but after I received forced medication I did not. In 2013 I felt strongly connected with God again. As soon as I got better, I visited the Vitus Church. “Welcome in my home” said the thoughts in my head. “I am glad you are here.” I was happy that a real man showed me around, because I always have difficulties when I hear thoughts in my head. I prefer talking to people that I can see. A few days later I brought to Vitus Church gifts for God: a green candle and a heart-shaped wooden bowl. I said to the vicar that I wanted to give Christ a present. He replied that the greatest gift for God would be if I would join the church.

Openness and the Period That Followed

During my forced hospitalization, I felt that if I wanted world peace then I had to be open about my illness. Therefore, I sent the book I wrote about the psychosis I had suffered in 2009 to 2 men of my political party. I knew that there was a chance that it would not bring peace, and they would know about my vulnerability. I took that chance, because to me it was a very small personal offer I had to make.

To be really open about my psychological vulnerability would take another 3 years. In the period that followed I learned more about how to recognize my psychological vulnerability, how to deal with it, established a peace foundation and expressed my feelings for God by going to the church.

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank several people for their love and care: my son, my darling sister, my father, my mother, the father of my son and his partner, the staff of the Rembrandthof, my fellow patients, my friends, Jim van Os, Aartjan Beekman, Wouter Bos, the vicar of the Vitus Church and all the others who were on this ship together with me when I was ill. And a thank you with love to Christ.